Happy Birthday Pa. For You, A Thousands Times More

Sudah seminggu aku berlibur di sini. Rumahku. Keluargaku yang ramai dan tak pernah sepi. Kotaku yang tak pernah mati serta teman2 yang membuatku tak bosan hidup dan tak ingin cepat mati. Energy kehidupanku yang hampir kosong kembali terisi lagi. All, I luv u full.

Sekembalinya ke sini, aku baru menyadari kalau hidup selalu berjalan. Menghitung hari tak terkendali. Banyak perubahan di sana-sini. Selain wajah Jakarta yang tak pernah berhenti “dioperasi” di sana sini. Serta semakin banyak borok dan cacat yang belum juga dibenahi. Seperti apapun, this is still my home, my city, my family. Tempat aku akan kembali.

Semua hal di dunia pasti berubah. Seperti orang bijak bilang, bahwa “Tak ada sesuatupun yang tidak berubah di dunia ini, kecuali perubahan itu sendiri”. Perubahan mau tak mau pasti terjadi.

Lama tak tinggal di rumah, segalanya terasa sangat berbeda. Begitupun ketika aku melihat ayah. Padahal, baru sebulan yang lalu aku pulang ke rumah, walaupun hanya sementara. Tetapi kenapa sekarang terlihat begitu berbeda. Ayah terlihat begitu lemah, rapuh, tak berdaya. Semangat dan jiwa mudanya habis digerogoti usia. Rambutnya mulai terlihat berubah warna, memutih semua. Aku baru sadar, kalau ayahku sudah sedemikian tua. Hari ini, genap sudah 69 tahun usianya. Tanpa sadar, mataku berkaca-kaca. Tiba-tiba rasa takut itu datang menyapa. Tiba-tiba paranoid itu mulai melanda. Aku takut kalau tiba-tiba Tuhan mengirim malaikat untuk mengambilnya. Aku takut, kalau saat itu tiba, aku belum menjadi apa-apa. Aku takut, kalau waktunya tiba aku masih belum bisa membuatnya bahagia. Aku takut kalau aku telah banyak berbuat salah dan dosa padanya dan belum sempat meminta maafnya. Aku takut. Takut.
Happy Bday Pa. Terimakasih atas semuanya. Hanya Tuhan yang bisa membalasnya. I luv You Pa. For You, A Thousands Times More.

Maafkan anakmu yang belum bisa menjadi seperti yang kau mau.

Jakarta, 25 September 2009

Political Correct Bedtime Stories – Dongeng, Hegemoni Lelaki dan Barbie By : James Finn Garner

"Once upon a time, there is life …………………bla bla bla.............
and they are live together. happy. ever after. forever."

Sebuah pakem standar dari dongeng pengantar tidur. Sebuah dongeng yang pernah membawa fantasiku - dan juga hampir seluruh anak perempuan di dunia - terbang ke sebuah negeri antah berantah. Menjadi seorang perempuan muda yang baik hati, ramah tamah, suka menabung dan tidak suka membuang sampah sembarangan. Yang karena kebaikannya (plus kecantikan fisiknya) akhirnya dijemput seorang pangeran tampan berkuda putih, dan mereka hidup bahagia selamanya.

Tetapi siapa yang menyangka, ternyata di balik kisah-kisah dongeng tersebut ada banyak hal lain yang "tersembunyi". Tidak hanya sekedar hitam vs putih. Juga tak sekedar kebaikan yang akan menang melawan kejahatan. Dalam buku ini, Garner mengangkat issue tentang gender, budaya patriarki, sexist, classist dan juga. Barbie.

Baru sadar, kalau memang banyak sekali unsur sexist dan gender di sini. Budaya patriarki dan laki-laki yang mendominasi. Kaum perempuan seringkali hanya dijadikan sebagai sebuah objek dan bukanlah subyek. Penilaian terhadap seorang perempuan lebih banyak didasarkan kepada apa yang diharapkan para pria tentang wanita. Dan contohnya adalah Barbie. Barbie yang sempurna secara fisik adalah prototype dari fantasi pria tentang wanita secara fisik. Barbie dijadikan gambaran ideal tentang fisik seorang perempuan. Barbie adalah symbol penjajahan kaum adam terhadap kaum hawa secara fisik. Anehnya, Barbie pulalah salah satu hal yang bisa membuat jutaan kaum wanita rela melakukan diet ketat yang menyiksa, perawatan kecantikan dan salon yang juga tak kalah menyiksa (baik secara fisik maupun finasial) serta banyak lagi hal gila yang sanggup dilakukan kaum hawa hanya atas nama “kesempurnaan fisik”. Mulai dari operasi plastik, sedot lemak, botox, catox, brontox hingga menderita anoreksia, bulimia, anemia, insomnia, dan masih banyak “mia-mia” lainnya. Susahnya jadi wanita.

Ups, bahkan kata “wanita” pun juga kata yang bias gender. Wanita yang diambil dari kata “wani” dan “tata”. Orang yang ditata. Perhiasan. Damn, apakah hanya itu arti kaum hawa? Sekedar makhluk tanpa otak, tanpa kepribadian yang hanya didandani dan dijadikan perhiasan bagi kaum lelaki? Harga diriku berontak. Aku tak kan pernah lagi mau menggunakan kata wanita (kecuali terpaksa…sekali). Kata “perEmpuan” terdengar jauh lebih bermartabat. Karena “perEmpuan” diambil dari kata “Empu”., yang memiliki. Pemilik. Orang yang dihormati. Satu point inilah yang membuatku tertarik dgn buku ini. Karena dalam seluruh penulisannya, Garner selalu menggunakan kata “perEmpuan” (dengan huruf E besar). Untuk mengingatkan arti penting kaum hawa yang sebenarnya.

Barbie oh Barbie. Hatiku mendua. Satu sisi, aku ingin melawan dominasi tak berdasar kaum laki-laki atas diri kaumku. “perEmpuan” adalah manusia bebas yang bebas menentukan nasibnya sendiri. Merdeka dari dominasi. Merdeka dari “keharusan2” yang ditimbulkan budaya patriarki. Merdeka atas hak reproduksi dan kesetaraannya sendiri. Termasuk juga merdeka dari keharusan berbadan ramping, tinggi, kurus dan berbodi seksi seperti Barbie.

Akan tetapi, di lain sisi, aku belum bisa membuang Barbie. Aku masih belum mampu membuang, melelang atau bahkan menghibahkan puluhan koleksi barbieku yang berjejalan di lemari. I still luv Barbie. Ironis. Ternyata, aku belum merdeka dari Barbie.

Di Ujung Waktu

Di ujung waktu, kutunggu dirimu
Dengan sabar tanpa ragu

Di ujung pintu, kutatap selalu
Berharap tiba-tiba kau muncul disitu

Di tempat itu, selalu muncul bayangmu
Menghantui setiap langkah hidupku

Di ujung rindu, kudoakan selalu
Semoga kau bahagia selalu

Tempatmu, tersimpan bersama Tuhanku
Tempatku, masih di duniaku.

Disini,
Kau kutunggu
Belahan jiwaku


Palangkaraya, 9 September 2009

Ramadhan Kali Ini

Ramadhan kali ini, ku jalani dengan berbeda. Tak sama dengan tahun – tahun sebelumnya, ramadhan kali ini kujalani dalam sepi. “terlempar” ke sebuah negeri asing yang sama sekali baru buatku. Sebuah kota yang nyaris mati tanpa ada gejolak dan keramaian berarti. Ditambah lagi, sepi dan sendiri yang menyesakkan hati.

Makan sahur kujalani sendiri di rumah kontrakanku yang mini. Segelas susu, terkadang dengan sereal plus ditemani acara televisi. Itulah menu sahurku sehari-hari. Kubuka puasaku juga hampir setiap hari dengan sendiri, masih di rumahku ini. Ketika kebosanan makan sendiri sudah memuakkan diri, aku pergi keluar ditemani beberapa kawan baru disini. Duniaku serasa mati. Tak berarti. Aku seperti terkungkung dalam duniaku sendiri. Apakah ini berarti kalau “autisme” itu semakin memuncul di diri?


Terkadang, aku menjadi ingin menangis sendiri. Aku merindukan keceriaan dan rumahku yang ramai. Suara tawa, tangis dan bahkan pertengkaran kecil di tengah keluarga kami. Aku yang terlahir di sebuah keluarga besar, di sebuah kota besar, tak terlalu terbiasa makan sendiri. Walaupun orang sering sekali bilang kalau aku adalah orang yang mandiri. Yups, I’m independent woman. Aku tak pernah mau bergantung kepada orang lain. But still, I’m human. Aku rindu kehangatan dan keramaian keluarga dan teman-teman. Aku bosan terus menerus terbang tanpa henti. Aku seperti burung yang sudah bosan terbang dan merindukan bumi. I really miss u, my friends, my family, my city.

Tetapi di tengah semua ini, aku menemukan hal baru yang sangat berarti. Kekhusukan ibadah di bulan. suci. Kuteringat saat aku menjalani bulan suci di Jakarta. Hampir setiap hari aku selalu pergi. Jalan ke sana-kemari. Berkedok acara buka puasa bersama di sana-sini. Magribku kulewatkan di keramaian ataupun di jalan raya tertelan macet ibukota ini. Sesampai nya di rumah, hampir aku tak lagi punya energy. Tak terhitung banyaknya kulewatkan malam-malam khusus yang seharusnya untuk bertarawih ataupun mengaji. Aku memang berpuasa, tetapi sering tanpa arti. Kulewatkan bulan suci tanpa ada perubahan berarti. Berpuasa hanya menjadi sekedar ibadah tanpa arti. Tarawihku adalah serangan macet jalan raya ataupun acara televisi. Tahajudku adalah tertidur pulas di malam hari. Tadarusku adalah bergunjing atau berbicara tanpa arti. Siangku kuhabiskan dengan mengejar materi tanpa henti.

Di sini, di tengah kesendirian ini, aku menjadi lebih menghargai banyak hal. Keluarga, teman-teman dan bulan ramadhan yang suci. Memang betul apa kata orang, kita akan lebih menghargai sesuatu ketika mereka tiada lagi. Aku masih beruntung, aku menghargai arti semua ini, ketika mereka masih ada. Ketika aku masih punya kesempatan untuk merubah diri. Entah karena tak ada alternative lagi untuk dikerjakan. Entah karena tiada teman untuk di ajak berbagi. Entah karena kesadaran yang tiba-tiba muncul di diri. Apapun alasannya, aku belajar mendekati-Nya. Aku tahu, Dia tak pernah melupakanku. Dia yang tak pernah mati, tak pernah pergi dariku. Aku yang mulai melupakan-Nya. Aku yang terjebak cinta dunia dan kilau materi. Aku memang bekerja untuk dunia seakan aku akan hidup selamanya. Tetapi aku lupa, aku juga harus mengejar akhirat, seakan aku akan segera pergi dari dunia ini

Aku tak mau mengatakan kalau aku sudah bisa menjalani bulan suci ini dengan sempurna. Aku tak berani bilang kalau Ramadhanku kali ini lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Aku hanya bisa menikmatinya sendiri. Dalam hati. Tuhan, terimakasih Kau telah berikan aku kesempatan ini. Terimakasih atas semua yang telah kau beri. Jangan kau biarkan aku melewatkan lagi kesempatan yang telah Kau beri. Berikan aku kesempatan lagi untuk bertemu dengan Ramadhan-Mu. Berikan aku kesempatan untuk lebih mengenal dan dekat pada-Mu. Karena aku tahu, selangkah kudekat pada-Mu, seribu langkah Kau dekat padaku.

Ramadhan kali ini, hanya tinggal menghitung lagi. Semoga Ramadhan kali ini membuatku menjadi hamba-Mu yang lebih baik lagi. Ramadhanku, kan kutunggu kedatanganmu lagi. Insya Allah, jika Allah berkehendak.

Palangkaraya, 2 Sepember 2009

Self Conversation

Zzzz…hhhh
Sshhhhhhhhhing

Alone. Feel lonely. Do nothing
Dark. Quiet. Looked stagnant. Monotone.
Shitt. I really miss the crowded
I really miss the light and human life
I really miss a lively life.
I want to break free
I love my life

When we knew how the life is. We will fear with the death. Life, what ever it’ll be. Sweet, tear, laugh, cry, hurt, fearness, sadness, bad and good. It still better than feel nothing. Busy, tired, hectic, crowded. It still better than do nothing. Sometimes, one side of me want to runaway. I want to fly far away. I want to break free. But, the other side of me said “ Hi you. Why you always said gloomy things. Why you looked so pathetic. Why you not just accept everything and thanks to God who gave you this”. No. that’s not the point. I already realized that everything happen must have some meaning to me. Even now, I still not realized that.

Everything happen is to makes me stronger. to makes me more patient. To makes me better than before. But that’s not the point. I just want to be my self. I just feel this is not me. Not my self.

If you feel lonely, you just need to be closer to the God. Because “hi” always be with you. watched you. protect you. you just need to talked to “Hers” everything in your mind. You just asked “Hers” everything that you wish. You just need to one step closer. And “Hi” will closer to you a thousands times more.

If you want to be free. you just need to free yourself from fear. You just need to be nothing to lose. No need to fear with everything. No need to feel like prisoners. Because sometimes, a human being could be prisoners from they own self. You just fear from something not rill. Fear from losing something. Fear from something never existed. Fear from nothing. You just need to free from your own negative mind. From the past that haunted you. from your angry. From revenge. From selfishness. From your own ego, ambition and obsession. Learn to forgive and learn to forget. Set you free from your self.

If you loved your life so much. You just need to life with your own way. What ever people said. Whatever word already said. There’s nothing than your own self. Just let your heart lead you. if you love your life, don’t bring trouble to your own life. You just need to loves your own self before you asked people to loves you. You are beautiful in every single way. So you just need to showed them how beauty you are. Just life without any regret.

If you want to fly. Never let everything locked you. never let people cut your wings. Even it already happen, you must believe, even your wings was broken. You still could flying without wings. makes them know who you are. Your quality. Your light. Your live. Your life. Makes your potential to be showed up. So you could fly far away. You could go where ever you want.

Uargh.. I’m sick with all that theory. That’s just a philosophy. That’s just mambo jamboo. It’s enough with all that hypotethic. It’s enough with all the wisdom word. “Hey, me. Tell me what the wisdom is? I said to my self. Is the wisdom really existed in this cruel world? What I must believe? What I must relieved? I’m not sophie who have much wisdom. And I’m not trying to be sophie. I’m not an angel who never do wrong. I’m just human. An ordinary human. Who could do something wrong. Who could makes something worse. Who could felt frustrated, depressed, angry, sadness, revenge, tired and everything.

Yeah. Of course you are just human– not an angel nor demon-. Since you are just human, just enjoy your life as human. Enjoy every single part of you. of yourself. Of everything happen to you. just enjoy it. Of course you could makes some mistakes. But you could repair it and makes everything better. Learn to life. It’s about learn to enjoy your own life. Include how to struggle with any obstacle that waiting for you. Since you are human. Just life as human.

Xifu wiprghh;…

Unspeakable words. This conversation looks like a never ending conversation. It will appear continue. Again and again. As long as I’m life. As long as I still be human.

Palangkaraya, August 28th 2009

What a friend is

i like weekend. since i could doing nothing, just stay at my room all day. i just sleep, read, chatt and watch dvd all day. A lazzy day. But, in a day like this i feel loneliness. life outside my hometown and being a part from everything and everyones you likes could drive me crazy sometimes. a little bit lonely, being bored and homesick. this is not the first time i lived far from my family. my job made me worked anywhere in indonesia for a long time. maybe it looks interesting for others people. since we could see a new place, new people, new thing that you never see before. i thought like that too at first. but after years, it makes me sick. 

always move from one place to the others. always meet new people, but no longer after that we are being a part. makes new friends, but after the times you move on. we couldn't meet again and your relationship and friendship being over. i knew so many people. but i knew nothing about them. i mean nothing for them. just a short term relationship. a short friendship. it's the consequences of my job? i don't know exactly.
 

I'm wondering what a friend is. being together just because our job need it? just because we live in same place? just because we have same interest? or just because you don't want to be lonely? or because so many aspect.
i ever had someone who i used to called "close friend". i thought about her just like my family, my sister. i told her what i feel, what i think and even my secret, my fear. i think we are close enough. But after several years, we are being a part. we can't meet each others frequently just like before. And you know what happen? now we just like stranger. even at her marriages, she not invite me, even just by a single sms. eventhought she invited my others friends. Even, she not reply my sms when i congratulate her. and she not pick up my phone. it little bit uncomfortable. i felt just like i was being abandon. being betrayed. It's hurt to be abandoned and forgotten by someone who you always called "friend". a little bit lonely. Really dissapointed.
 

and for the other case, i was falling in love with one of my friend. even we are never see each other for a long time. i just felt comfort when i spoke with him. i just felt different when i remembered about him. but after the times, i was being rejected by him. hahaha. But that's ok. i still could laugh and life happily. That's not the point. The point is being rejected by a man who you love not as hurt as being abandoned and forgotten by someone who you called friend.

i'm wondering what a friend is. what's meaning of friendship. everything being abstract in my mind. i'm wondering whether i really have true friend or not. I couldn't asked others. i couldn't asked "the dancing grass" (just like in Ebiet G Ade Song). Times will give me the answer. Everything i need is just life the way i am. life must go on. Through the sickness, hurt, happiness, sadness and everything. eventhough i stll have one hope. that sometimes, i could find someone who i could believed and share with for the rest of my life. it could be called 'a true friend, love or soul mate

My first day at Palangka

today is my first day at palangkaraya. i ever went to palangka before, but just for couple of days. and now, i must stay here for a long time. i don't know exactly until when. Until further notice. like usually happen at my office. when they told me i just stay at surabaya 2 week. in fact i stay there almost 1 years. and when they told me i stay at medan for 2 months. actually i stay at medan for 9 months. and now, when they told me i will stay at palangka until further notice. i couldn't expect until when i must stay here. it could be a week, a month, a year, or... thinking about that could drive me crazy.

palangka is a small city. if we want to use a "city" word. this city really different with a word "city" in my mind. since i was small, i live and grown in metropolitan city-jakarta-. so i usualy live in a crowd, life and *(ramai- what it say in english?? )*. this city just have 1 mall (a small one), with no 21 studio. no gramedia either. entertainment facility is a really rare here.

but this city have something interesting side. many times i heard and red that palangka ever planned to be Indonesia central of governmental (pusat pemerintahan- ibukota negara). almost all of people here still believes that rumour. since sekarno's era until now. it caused land price is really high (both for sale or rent). since my job related to the site- land acquisition, it could be a problem to my job. high land price not balance with actual condition of the city. what we must cover here? we must build more than 30 sites in this small city. with just 1 km distance from one site to another. many of my stes rejected due to high price. and we must reach RFC for 30 location 1 month again. it's need more work, more pray, more overtime. But, the worst is, company not give me approval for my OT. i works over time without paid. Kerja rodi.

It's my consequence to work here, in this company, in this industry. i just have 2 choice. Take it or leave it. not easy to decide to leave. since i still love number of salary that i get here :P so i still choice take it. for any reasons. and i must take every consequences of this. include must stay here until further notice. or until i get better than this one

Ery Chayoo!!