Selasa, 10 Mei 2011

What .......... Is?

If you are always remember someone, even after time and so many things happen. Is it love?

If the butterflies in your heart is dancing so fast, your heart is beating so hard just because you’re remember and hear his voice on the line. Is it love?

If you feel chemistry when you are  near him. Unspoken and unexplain feeling that comes to you everytime he talks to you. Is it love? Or just a desire?

If you’re happy with everything he said, even you know maybe that’s just the bullshitt. Is it love? Or naïve?

If you still want to believe him even you heard any rumours about him. Is it love? Or stupied?

If you always forgive him and can’t be angry with everything he did to you. is it love? Or just you’re losing your mind?

If you’re sad when he rarely call you because at one time you choose to leave him because his indecisive and full of doubt and then you choose wrong guy and go out with him. Until you realized the one that you need isn’t that guy, but the one previous. Is it love? Or just the queen syndrome?

If you don’t know whether to laugh, cry or happy  and says congrat when you heard he found someone new. Is it love? Or just an ego?

Maybe it is love. Maybe not. Even it is love it is already over now, or maybe not yet?

Tell me what the love is. Because I don’t know what is it. Sometimes i think that is love, but actually just an admiring. Sometimes I think that is love but in real just a friendship. Sometimes I think someone is kind and will never lie to me and hurt me. But in fact, he is the one who hurt me most. At the other side. Sometimes I think that is just a friendship or joking, but actually maybe pure love. And I don’t realize it until he was gone from my sight. And maybe it’s too late to take him back. Sometimes we can’t see what is real in front of our eyes, because we are day dreaming about something unreal and far away. Regret? Maybe. But nothing’s important now. The most important is life must go on and I must continue my life and being happy with everything happen. Because I believe everything happen for a reason. We made mistakes, so that we could appreciate it when it’s right. We meet wrong person so that we will know when it’s right and not doing the same mistakes before.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." (Marlyn Monroe)

All I have just memory and history. “Because the past is a history, the  future is a mystery and today is present, that’s why we called it ‘present’.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

And I  just could remember the way he cares about me. The way he makes me comfort more than anyone else. He give me his shoulder to cry on and lend me his ear to hear my voice. Not like the other one who turns and gives me his back when I’m at my weakness. And then suddenly run away and leave me without any words. And after i decide to forget and forgive him, suddenly he sent me message that insult and humiliate me with very very harsh words that I never imagine could come from an educated, smart and nice person like him. Or maybe just I’m the one who are defensive, persistent and always blame others? Yeah, i know I’m not a perfect person. So many things I wish I didn’t do. But, am I that bad that could make him said very harsh words about my attitude? Haloo… he knew me not in a short time. Eight years friendship that broke just in three months? or maybe just in my imagination he is my friend all this time? Am I that stupied and blind? Am I that bad?

Tell me what the love is? If your own feeling that you can’t trust.

Tell me what the trust is? If you can believe no one, even it seems they are as good as an angel.

Tell me what the friendship is? If someone called you as his best friend at the same time insult and humiliate you that hurt your pride most.

You could said that I’m stupied, naïve, persistent, defensive, egois, obsessive and everything as bad as you could say. But “nothing could hurt you without your consent” (Eleanor Roosevelt). And I’ll never let anyone hurt me more. To be honest, I lost almost all of my trust to the human called “a man”. I said almost all, not all. Because I know there’s people who are really trust worthed.

Maybe everything that written here seems it’s just an obsessed, anger or just because my broken pride. But I wouldn’t care about that. I know this isn’t about heart anymore. But pride, trust and friendship. It isn’t about heart, because my heart was killed at the time when he insulted me. And i’m the kind of person who keep my pride most. This isn’t about heart because my heart was died at a same time when he broke my trust. And I’m the kind of person who hold the trust as very important thing in any of relationship in my life. It isn’t about heart but friendship. Because I’m the kind of person whose value the friendship as my precious things. And as far as I know a friend would never never betray their friend, stab them from the back or even worse humiliate them. “True friend is someone who knew everything about you, even your weakness and still loves you” (Elberd Hubbard). True friend is someone who will accept you just the way you are. True friend is someone who are always be with you in your good or bad situation. Not someone who just uses you in the way they need to. And when they don’t need you, they will leave you and treat you just like garbage.

I know there’s no perfect person just like no perfect  friendship. Sometimes we made mistakes. Sometimes friends fight and have quarrel each other. To be a friend doesn’t means we are always in same opinion and way. Because everyone  have their own mind, their own way of thinking, their own life, their own problem, their own destiny. And we can’t compare someone to the others. But true friend always comeback even after everything happen. And they will laugh and cry together after realized their own mistakes and stupidity. For me, friendship is as precious as love, or maybe more. And I’m wondering now do we are really a friend? Or maybe you’re my friend just in my imagination? Just like I’m in a desert, very very dry desert. And I see there’s water at the end of the road. But nothing’s real. That just fatamorgana.

Sometimes, we think we know someone. Actually not. Sometimes we think that person already knew who you are. But in real, nothing at all. Because everyone use their own mask to cover their own self.

“You would never understand people until you see everything from their view, until you infiltrate under their skin, until you life in their’s way of life.” (from To Kill a Mockingbird by : Harper Lee)

Notes :
I’m writing this without any tendention to blame and talking bad about someone in their back. Because I already talked everything in front of his face :P To be true in front of his eye, because it just all written, not face to face :P Since there’s very very rarely face to face communication between us in this 8 years. When I think of this now, I just could smile and laugh. No wonder there are so many miscommunication and misunderstanding. Because very very rarely communication. And i could say that no direct communication. Everything just via inderect communications such as internet, mobile, etc. So let’s we say it virtual relationship. And in virtual world, we could be everything we want. But we can’t give too many trust to someone here. And I feel relieve and say “That is just a day dreaming. Thanks God it’s over now. So goodbye my past. I’m ready for the next real journey that are waiting for me in the end of the road”.

I’m writing this not means that I’m have any revenge or something. It isn’t. I wouldn’t poissoined my self with that kind of thing. I‘m writing this not to expose my sober. Because my cry was over. Yes, I’m hurt. And just like when you stab a wood with nails. Even you already put those nails back and throw them to the garbage. The wound and the hole still there. Until someone at sometimes come and closed them. Fill that hole and cure that wound with they true and kind heart.
I’m writing this with one wish. That I could read it again and again. So that I could remember about my mistakes and learn from it. The most important is, I wouldn’t do the same mistakes again. Maybe others people could learn something from mine.

Balikpapan, 10 May 2011

I Want To Know What Love Is
By : Foreigner

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

Let's talk about love
(I wanna know what love is) the love that you feel inside
(I want you to show me) I'm feeling so much love
(I wanna feel what love is) no, you just cannot hide
(I know you can show me) yeah, woah-oh-ooh
I wanna know what love is, let's talk about love
(I want you to show me) I wanna feel it too
(I wanna feel what love is) I wanna feel it too
And I know, and I know, I know you can show me
Show me what is real, woah (woah), yeah I know
(I wanna know what love is) hey I wanna know what love
(I want you to show me), I wanna know, I wanna know, want know
(I wanna feel what love is), hey I wanna feel, love
I know you can show me, yeah

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