Sabtu, 29 Agustus 2009

Self Conversation


Alone. Feel lonely. Do nothing
Dark. Quiet. Looked stagnant. Monotone.
Shitt. I really miss the crowded
I really miss the light and human life
I really miss a lively life.
I want to break free
I love my life

When we knew how the life is. We will fear with the death. Life, what ever it’ll be. Sweet, tear, laugh, cry, hurt, fearness, sadness, bad and good. It still better than feel nothing. Busy, tired, hectic, crowded. It still better than do nothing. Sometimes, one side of me want to runaway. I want to fly far away. I want to break free. But, the other side of me said “ Hi you. Why you always said gloomy things. Why you looked so pathetic. Why you not just accept everything and thanks to God who gave you this”. No. that’s not the point. I already realized that everything happen must have some meaning to me. Even now, I still not realized that.

Everything happen is to makes me stronger. to makes me more patient. To makes me better than before. But that’s not the point. I just want to be my self. I just feel this is not me. Not my self.

If you feel lonely, you just need to be closer to the God. Because “hi” always be with you. watched you. protect you. you just need to talked to “Hers” everything in your mind. You just asked “Hers” everything that you wish. You just need to one step closer. And “Hi” will closer to you a thousands times more.

If you want to be free. you just need to free yourself from fear. You just need to be nothing to lose. No need to fear with everything. No need to feel like prisoners. Because sometimes, a human being could be prisoners from they own self. You just fear from something not rill. Fear from losing something. Fear from something never existed. Fear from nothing. You just need to free from your own negative mind. From the past that haunted you. from your angry. From revenge. From selfishness. From your own ego, ambition and obsession. Learn to forgive and learn to forget. Set you free from your self.

If you loved your life so much. You just need to life with your own way. What ever people said. Whatever word already said. There’s nothing than your own self. Just let your heart lead you. if you love your life, don’t bring trouble to your own life. You just need to loves your own self before you asked people to loves you. You are beautiful in every single way. So you just need to showed them how beauty you are. Just life without any regret.

If you want to fly. Never let everything locked you. never let people cut your wings. Even it already happen, you must believe, even your wings was broken. You still could flying without wings. makes them know who you are. Your quality. Your light. Your live. Your life. Makes your potential to be showed up. So you could fly far away. You could go where ever you want.

Uargh.. I’m sick with all that theory. That’s just a philosophy. That’s just mambo jamboo. It’s enough with all that hypotethic. It’s enough with all the wisdom word. “Hey, me. Tell me what the wisdom is? I said to my self. Is the wisdom really existed in this cruel world? What I must believe? What I must relieved? I’m not sophie who have much wisdom. And I’m not trying to be sophie. I’m not an angel who never do wrong. I’m just human. An ordinary human. Who could do something wrong. Who could makes something worse. Who could felt frustrated, depressed, angry, sadness, revenge, tired and everything.

Yeah. Of course you are just human– not an angel nor demon-. Since you are just human, just enjoy your life as human. Enjoy every single part of you. of yourself. Of everything happen to you. just enjoy it. Of course you could makes some mistakes. But you could repair it and makes everything better. Learn to life. It’s about learn to enjoy your own life. Include how to struggle with any obstacle that waiting for you. Since you are human. Just life as human.

Xifu wiprghh;…

Unspeakable words. This conversation looks like a never ending conversation. It will appear continue. Again and again. As long as I’m life. As long as I still be human.

Palangkaraya, August 28th 2009

Selasa, 25 Agustus 2009

What a friend is

i like weekend. since i could doing nothing, just stay at my room all day. i just sleep, read, chatt and watch dvd all day. A lazzy day. But, in a day like this i feel loneliness. life outside my hometown and being a part from everything and everyones you likes could drive me crazy sometimes. a little bit lonely, being bored and homesick. this is not the first time i lived far from my family. my job made me worked anywhere in indonesia for a long time. maybe it looks interesting for others people. since we could see a new place, new people, new thing that you never see before. i thought like that too at first. but after years, it makes me sick. 

always move from one place to the others. always meet new people, but no longer after that we are being a part. makes new friends, but after the times you move on. we couldn't meet again and your relationship and friendship being over. i knew so many people. but i knew nothing about them. i mean nothing for them. just a short term relationship. a short friendship. it's the consequences of my job? i don't know exactly.
I'm wondering what a friend is. being together just because our job need it? just because we live in same place? just because we have same interest? or just because you don't want to be lonely? or because so many aspect.
i ever had someone who i used to called "close friend". i thought about her just like my family, my sister. i told her what i feel, what i think and even my secret, my fear. i think we are close enough. But after several years, we are being a part. we can't meet each others frequently just like before. And you know what happen? now we just like stranger. even at her marriages, she not invite me, even just by a single sms. eventhought she invited my others friends. Even, she not reply my sms when i congratulate her. and she not pick up my phone. it little bit uncomfortable. i felt just like i was being abandon. being betrayed. It's hurt to be abandoned and forgotten by someone who you always called "friend". a little bit lonely. Really dissapointed.
and for the other case, i was falling in love with one of my friend. even we are never see each other for a long time. i just felt comfort when i spoke with him. i just felt different when i remembered about him. but after the times, i was being rejected by him. hahaha. But that's ok. i still could laugh and life happily. That's not the point. The point is being rejected by a man who you love not as hurt as being abandoned and forgotten by someone who you called friend.

i'm wondering what a friend is. what's meaning of friendship. everything being abstract in my mind. i'm wondering whether i really have true friend or not. I couldn't asked others. i couldn't asked "the dancing grass" (just like in Ebiet G Ade Song). Times will give me the answer. Everything i need is just life the way i am. life must go on. Through the sickness, hurt, happiness, sadness and everything. eventhough i stll have one hope. that sometimes, i could find someone who i could believed and share with for the rest of my life. it could be called 'a true friend, love or soul mate

Sabtu, 22 Agustus 2009

My first day at Palangka

today is my first day at palangkaraya. i ever went to palangka before, but just for couple of days. and now, i must stay here for a long time. i don't know exactly until when. Until further notice. like usually happen at my office. when they told me i just stay at surabaya 2 week. in fact i stay there almost 1 years. and when they told me i stay at medan for 2 months. actually i stay at medan for 9 months. and now, when they told me i will stay at palangka until further notice. i couldn't expect until when i must stay here. it could be a week, a month, a year, or... thinking about that could drive me crazy.

palangka is a small city. if we want to use a "city" word. this city really different with a word "city" in my mind. since i was small, i live and grown in metropolitan city-jakarta-. so i usualy live in a crowd, life and *(ramai- what it say in english?? )*. this city just have 1 mall (a small one), with no 21 studio. no gramedia either. entertainment facility is a really rare here.

but this city have something interesting side. many times i heard and red that palangka ever planned to be Indonesia central of governmental (pusat pemerintahan- ibukota negara). almost all of people here still believes that rumour. since sekarno's era until now. it caused land price is really high (both for sale or rent). since my job related to the site- land acquisition, it could be a problem to my job. high land price not balance with actual condition of the city. what we must cover here? we must build more than 30 sites in this small city. with just 1 km distance from one site to another. many of my stes rejected due to high price. and we must reach RFC for 30 location 1 month again. it's need more work, more pray, more overtime. But, the worst is, company not give me approval for my OT. i works over time without paid. Kerja rodi.

It's my consequence to work here, in this company, in this industry. i just have 2 choice. Take it or leave it. not easy to decide to leave. since i still love number of salary that i get here :P so i still choice take it. for any reasons. and i must take every consequences of this. include must stay here until further notice. or until i get better than this one

Ery Chayoo!!

Rabu, 19 Agustus 2009

I’m Beautiful in Every Single Way, Who Could Bring Me Down?

Tonight, just like the others night. I'm still here. alone in my new home, new city, my new episode of my life. suddenly my brain bring me to the past. just like the movie, episode per episode. from one part to the others part of my life. so many things happen. so many people that i met. so many words that had been told. until now, until i've been here. still alive.

sudenly, i feel my heart being harder. wanna cry, but i don't know why. i remembered everything from my past. bad, good, sad, cry, laugh, love, friendship and everything. sometimes i feel lonely. being apart from my family. my friends, my city. sometimes being abandon, rejected, betrayed. sometimes i was think if i just like others. But i realised something. even the past that makes me here and makes me just like me now. i must learn to forgive and forget. i couldn't relied forever to the past. i must forget everything that must be forgotten. i must forgive everything that must be forgiven. time will cure my hurt. time will give me the answer. about what? why? who? where, etc.

no need to makes my self looked pathetics. no need to remembered the past. i must said Thanks God, that i'm been here. with everything that you give to me. because i believe "You" will give the best to me for all of aspect of my life. because You are the one who knows everything. because You are everything.

slowly, music on from my laptop. i love this song so much. because it's inspired me to be strong. to be optimistic. to believe with my self.

Goodbye my past. Goodbye my friend. goodbye my love
Beautiful -Shakira

Yeah yeah
Oh no, oh
No matter what we do
No matter what we say
(No matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go
(And everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(Sun will always, always shine)
But tomorrow we might awake
On the other side

I am beautiful (Beautiful)
No matter what they say (No matter what they say)
Words can't bring me down (I am beautiful)
I am beautiful (Beautiful)
In every single way (Every single way)
Words can't bring me down, oh no, oh
I am beautiful
No matter what they say (No matter what they say)
Words can't bring me down (I am beautiful)
I am beautiful
In every single way (Every single way)
Words can't bring me down, oh no, oh

I am beautiful
(No matter what they say)
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautifulEvery day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed (No)

I am beautiful (Beautiful)
No matter what they say (No matter what they say)
Words can't bring me down (I am beautiful)
I am beautiful (Beautiful)
In every single way (Every single way)
Words can't bring me down, oh no, oh

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom, mmm
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
Is that the way it is?

I am beautiful (Beautiful)
No matter what they say (No matter what they say)
Words can't bring me down (I am beautiful)
I am beautiful (Beautiful)
In every single way (Every single way)
Words can't bring me down, oh no, oh

I am beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful

Banjarmasin, 19 08 2009

Selasa, 18 Agustus 2009

Roller Coaster with Betcha Neva

Human life just likes a roller coaster. Sometimes we go up, and no longer after it turn down. Go up, fly until the sky. Fly, so we could imagine we have wings to fly. Imagine something not rill. Adrenalin go faster and faster. We have energy to face through all problems. Life could be shine, cherish, happy and positively. And when it turned down, everything looks darker and gloomy, negatively. Sadness, emptiness, loneliness and broken heart. In my lifetime, I can’t count how many periods of my roller coaster.

Betcha Neva, You makes my heart just like roller coaster. Today you grow flower in my heart and my heart become a garden. But the others day, you makes it all die. Sometimes you make me feel happy, but the next time, you turn me down. Now, you acted like you are love me. But later, you acted just like you already have someone. But it doesn’t bother me. I don’t care. Just word, can’t bring me down. I lose nothing. Ha3x.

I just want you to tell me the truth. Who you are? And how are you? don’t lie to your self. Because a chance just come once in a lifetime. So don’t miss it, before it’s too late

Betcha Neva – Tata Young

Don't tell me that you don't like,
Anything about me
I've seen in your eyes that look,
You think that I don't notice
Don't hide what you feel inside
Maybe I can feel the same
What to do it's up to you
So maybe you should try again
Or maybe you'll just fade away

Betcha neva betcha neva
Betcha neva thought we'd get this far
Betcha neva never ever
Betcha neva thought you'd touch my heart
Betcha neva betcha neva
Betcha neva thought that I'd surrender
Betcha neva thought that you would ever get with me
I betcha neva thought of that

Don't you be afraid to try,
'Cos you don't even know me
Why can't you read between the lines,
You know how it should be
Don't hide what you feel inside,
Maybe I could feel the same
What to do, up to you
Or maybe you should try again
Or maybe you'll just fade away yeah

Sabtu, 08 Agustus 2009

Dan Pergilah

Sebuah nama
Sesosok wajah
Sepenggal masa

Selamat tinggal dan pergilah
Jangan kau ganggu dan pergilah
Buanglah jauh dan pergilah

Jangan kembali

Banjarmasin,7 Agustus 2009

Minggu, 02 Agustus 2009

Again? And Why?

Hari ini, sama seperti hari -hari minggu sebelumnya, i do nothing. hari bermalasan sedunia. hanya tidur, makan, nonton tv, nonton dvd dan tidur lagi. Saat sedang menonton discovery channel, saya dikejutkan oleh sebuah iklan cara tv "enigmatic malaysia". bukan karena judulnya. Yang membuat saya terheran-heran adalah di iklan itu menunjukan wanita dengan pakaian ala bali- dengan pose sedang menari tarian bali (Tari Pendet). Dengan latar khas pura di bali terpampang di sana. Tidak hanya itu, di awal dan di akhir juga ditampilkan wayang kulit - yang khas Jawa dan Yogyakarta, pria dengan dandanan ala dayak dan papua juga dipampang di sana. Satu pertanyaan langsung menggelitikku. Apakah Bali, wayang, budaya Dayak dan budaya orang Papua diclaim sebagai "Malaysia" -ish. OMG. Masa? Lagi-lagi? Again? Dan acara ini ditayangkan oleh TV kabel sekelas Discovery channel?  Yang pastinya akan ditonton jutaan orang di asia dan dunia. Apa yang akan mereka pikirkan? Jangan-jangan nantinya warga dunia akan mengenal Bali, wayang, budaya dayak dan budaya orang papua sebagai khas Malaysia. Bukan Indonesia. Karena walaupun bali terkenal seantero dunia, banyak warga dunia yang tidak tahu kalau itu berada di Indonesia. Mereka hanya tahu Bali, bukan Indonesia. Teringat cerita seorang teman yang pernah mengatakan ada situs negeri tetangga yang menyatakan kalau "Bali is the island of Malay".

Tanpa bermaksud mengungkit kembali klaim-klaim negeri jiran sebelumnya terhadap budaya kita. Mulai dari batik, angklung, reog, dan masih banyak lagi. Bukan pula bermaksud membuat kita jadi anti malay seperti halnya orang-orang sebangsa kita disebut Indon - sebuah julukan yang terkesan merendahkan dan meremehkan- di negeri yang katanya saudara dan jiran tetangga kita ini. Tetapi inilah faktanya. Sudah berapa banyak budaya dan asset-aset kita yang diklaim pihak lain?? Belum lagi kasus ambalat, pulau-pulau dan daerah perbatasan, dll. Belum lagi sebuah tanda tanya besar kenapa seorang teroris yang jelas-jelas tidak berkewarganegaraan Indonesia malah terus menyebar teror di negeri ini? Membombardir di negeri orang lain. Bukan di negerinya sendiri? Kalau memang seperti yang banyak diberitakan. Kaum terorist banyak mengincar tempat-tempat berkumpulnya kaum expat, kenapa harus di Indonesia? Padahal di negeri asalnya jauh lebih banyak kaum expat berseliweran dan berkuasa. Pertanyaannya kenapa? Darimana para teroris itu mendapatkan dana? Apakah benar dari Al Qaeda? Atau......???

Kembali ke soal budaya kita yang banyak diklaim, itu seharusnya membuat kita sebagai pemilik dan pewaris kebudayaan-kebudayaan tersebut membuka mata. Sama seperti kita juga harus menjaga asset dan harga diri kita sebagai bangsa. Kita juga harus menjaga budaya kita. Jangan sampai kita kehilangan budaya dan jati diri kita sendiri. Akan sangat ironis kalau budaya kita dihargai di negara lain. Dan berpotensi "diklaim" pihak lain. Sementara kita kehilangan akar budaya dan masyarakat kita sendiri. Seharusnya ini membuat kita malu.

Di lain pihak kita juga bertanya kenapa negara-negara tetangga bisa jauh lebih berkembang dari kita. Kita punya SDA yang melimpah. budaya yang beraneka ragam, alam yang luar biasa indah. Pertanyaannya kenapa mereka bisa, tetapi kita tidak? Kenapa saluran TV sekelas discovery channel dan national geographic mau menayangkan acara semacam "enigmatic malaysia, history of singapore, sparkling korea, fun taiwan, colorfull india, dan semacamnya. Kenapa tidak 'multuculture Indonesia"? atau Indonesia: Unity in Diversity. Padahal acara-acara semacam ini dapat menjadi sarana promosi dan bisnis yang potensial. Lagi-lagi pertanyaannya kenapa?

Banjarmasin, 1 Agustus 2009

A Lost Bird

A bird
Life and love

when I was a child,
I always dreamed of the bird
Free without any tie
Could fly high until the sky

After years,
I could fly so high
I could go so far
I could be so free

But now, i’m just like a lost bird
Can’t found navigation
Can’t found the direction

I’m a lost bird
Who tired to fly
Missed the earth
Missed the grass

I’m a bird who is searching for a place
Where I could stay forever

Banjarmasin, 1 Agustus 2009