Self Conversation

Zzzz…hhhh
Sshhhhhhhhhing

Alone. Feel lonely. Do nothing
Dark. Quiet. Looked stagnant. Monotone.
Shitt. I really miss the crowded
I really miss the light and human life
I really miss a lively life.
I want to break free
I love my life

When we knew how the life is. We will fear with the death. Life, what ever it’ll be. Sweet, tear, laugh, cry, hurt, fearness, sadness, bad and good. It still better than feel nothing. Busy, tired, hectic, crowded. It still better than do nothing. Sometimes, one side of me want to runaway. I want to fly far away. I want to break free. But, the other side of me said “ Hi you. Why you always said gloomy things. Why you looked so pathetic. Why you not just accept everything and thanks to God who gave you this”. No. that’s not the point. I already realized that everything happen must have some meaning to me. Even now, I still not realized that.

Everything happen is to makes me stronger. to makes me more patient. To makes me better than before. But that’s not the point. I just want to be my self. I just feel this is not me. Not my self.

If you feel lonely, you just need to be closer to the God. Because “hi” always be with you. watched you. protect you. you just need to talked to “Hers” everything in your mind. You just asked “Hers” everything that you wish. You just need to one step closer. And “Hi” will closer to you a thousands times more.

If you want to be free. you just need to free yourself from fear. You just need to be nothing to lose. No need to fear with everything. No need to feel like prisoners. Because sometimes, a human being could be prisoners from they own self. You just fear from something not rill. Fear from losing something. Fear from something never existed. Fear from nothing. You just need to free from your own negative mind. From the past that haunted you. from your angry. From revenge. From selfishness. From your own ego, ambition and obsession. Learn to forgive and learn to forget. Set you free from your self.

If you loved your life so much. You just need to life with your own way. What ever people said. Whatever word already said. There’s nothing than your own self. Just let your heart lead you. if you love your life, don’t bring trouble to your own life. You just need to loves your own self before you asked people to loves you. You are beautiful in every single way. So you just need to showed them how beauty you are. Just life without any regret.

If you want to fly. Never let everything locked you. never let people cut your wings. Even it already happen, you must believe, even your wings was broken. You still could flying without wings. makes them know who you are. Your quality. Your light. Your live. Your life. Makes your potential to be showed up. So you could fly far away. You could go where ever you want.

Uargh.. I’m sick with all that theory. That’s just a philosophy. That’s just mambo jamboo. It’s enough with all that hypotethic. It’s enough with all the wisdom word. “Hey, me. Tell me what the wisdom is? I said to my self. Is the wisdom really existed in this cruel world? What I must believe? What I must relieved? I’m not sophie who have much wisdom. And I’m not trying to be sophie. I’m not an angel who never do wrong. I’m just human. An ordinary human. Who could do something wrong. Who could makes something worse. Who could felt frustrated, depressed, angry, sadness, revenge, tired and everything.

Yeah. Of course you are just human– not an angel nor demon-. Since you are just human, just enjoy your life as human. Enjoy every single part of you. of yourself. Of everything happen to you. just enjoy it. Of course you could makes some mistakes. But you could repair it and makes everything better. Learn to life. It’s about learn to enjoy your own life. Include how to struggle with any obstacle that waiting for you. Since you are human. Just life as human.

Xifu wiprghh;…

Unspeakable words. This conversation looks like a never ending conversation. It will appear continue. Again and again. As long as I’m life. As long as I still be human.

Palangkaraya, August 28th 2009